Disclaimer...Randy Jokes!

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... Avibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a realone. She went completely ballistic. "You impotentbastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . You explain the3 kids."

3 men went to a night club looking to pick up chicks.One of the guys saw the hottest chick he'd ever seen. "I'm gonna talk to her", he said. "NO NO NO" said the other 2 guys. "She'll mess you up real bad!"The guy went over and talked to her anyway. They talked for awhile and then went back to her apartment and started to get down to business.2 minutes in he had to quit."I can't take it any more! It's too rough," he said."Alright," she said "I'll be back in a minute."A couple minutes later she returned and they started again, now it was really smooth and nice. "How did you fix that?" he asked. "I picked the scabs and let them puss." she replied!

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to give an example his students could relate to.He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife."Hello," he starts, "I"m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product??"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex" she answers.The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?""Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this,but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!"His friend agrees and goes out to his car. They climb into the back seat and start going at it. A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?" The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."The cop says, "Oh, sorry,I didn't know." The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."

An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down."Yes officer?""I have to ask you, what are you doing?""Well sir, I am reading a magazine.""What about the young lady in the backseat?"The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater.""How old are you young man?" the officer asks."I am 25 Officer.""And the girl?"The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."The cat thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running..." "Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?"The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!!!"

IN THE NAME OF CHOCOLATE!

SAY GOODBYE HERSHEY A sad story for those of us who remember growing up with Hershey bars, and just as sad for the generations of today. What will be outsourced next?
Pennsylvania is a big state, but it amazes me in this day, how some news doesn't make it over the mountain to the front page of our papers or the top of our news hours in Western Pennsylvania. Milton Hershey, this year, will be joining H. J Heinz in rolling over in his grave. Hershey Chocolate is moving to MEXICO...whoopee! They're even closing down Hershey Canada. Don't buy any more Hershey Bars. Rees e's Peanut Butter Cups are my favorite and they are made by Hershey. But, I will not purchase another one! M.S. Hershey had a dream... I will buy my OWN Sugar, Milk, Cocoa beans, (all natural mind you!) and make candy...(no tariffs etc..) EVEN during the depression...HE and the Company made money...NOW some Corporate big wigs are ruining the name... AND the product M.S. created... Please pass it on...What a bunch of college educated "idiots". Thank you M.S. Hershey for all the things I have and all you have done for me and my family..."I" do appreciate it... as for "Dick" Lenny and Company, good luck you greedy, money loving JERKS ... you are ruining the name, the company, and MANY lives in central Pennsylvania.... read on...Enough is Enough! So Hershey executives are closing plants in the US, laying off over a thousand people, and destroying Mr. Hershey's dream, all to cut labor, material costs and AVOID PAYING ANY US TAXES! The company will save about $170 million a year, all on the backs of the American people. The top executives will still make their mega bucks and the laid off workers will have to find other jobs, some probably at minimum wage due to their age. All this to take their jobs to India, China a nd Mexico, so WHAT part of the "GREAT" American Chocolate Bar is left?... NOTHING! These countries are no doubt laughing at the Americans, who they don't like anyway. How long are the American people going to sit around and let big corporations do this to us? We must all band together and let our Politicians in Washington know we have had it with NAFTA, CAFTA and "SHAFTA" and we won't take it any longer! Please, do not buy any Hershey product! If the company wants to take the work to these countries, then let those countries buy the product. We don't need it! Please pass this to everyone on your email list so it gets all across the United States.

Angelz Got Jokez

The Story of Adam & Eve's PetsAdam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden,you walked with us every day. Now we do not see youany more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficultfor us to remember how much you love us.' And God said, I will create a companion for you thatwill be with you and who will be a reflection of mylove for you, so that you will love me even when youcannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childishor unlovable you may be, this new companion willaccept you as you are and will love you as I do, inspite of yourselves. And God created a new animal to be a companion forAdam and Eve. And it was a good animal And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eveand he wagged his tail . And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all theanimals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a namefor this new animal.' And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be areflection of my love for you, his name will be areflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion tothem and loved them. And they were comforted And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came tothe Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have becomefilled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocksand they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog hasindeed taught them that they are loved, but perhapstoo well.' And God said, 'I will create for them a companion whowill be with them and who will see them as they are.The companion will remind them of their limitations,so they will know that they are not always worthy ofadoration.' And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Evegazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that theywere not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased . . . . . . And Dog was happy. . . . . And Cat didn't give a shit one way or other....

WARNING...This is a RANT!

Damn it. I tipped a whole Diet Dew over onto my favorite comfy blanky this morn. That sucks most vigorously. I finally got some sleep until I awoke cause it was too damn hot in the house. A certain 18 year old I won't mention names....turned the thermostat up AGAIN even though she was asked several times over and over to leave it the hell alone. It was on 75 and my bed is right next to the heater and it dries out my skin and my sinuses but all i can hear her say it is cold....well we have TONS of blankets and you can put on more clothes, I can only take so much off. When i can't even sleep naked cause it is too hot with a fan something has to give. I run a fever naturally. I am going to start opening the damn door in the living room like I used to. Geez, I have made a lot of changes to be more thoughtful of my family and still she does as she pleases. It takes forever to cool this place down. I mean geez. i was actually SLEEPING for once.
Bah! I also found my foot in pain and bloody this morning. Why? No, not itching with my nails but at some point in the night I rubbed it against the connector to my oxygen hose. So ow.
Back to griping about the heat...another thing that doesn't help is my oxygen concentrator puts out a lot of hot air as well.
Let's jump back to the soda soaked blanky. My Idea was to watch as many of my DVR shows then come in my room and find my flashlight I lost last night...yes, I have a flashlight by my bed so i can find my lotions and so on and not wake Chris with the big light, but I digress, I was only able to watch One Piece, Blood Plus, Transformers and Deal or No Deal with Ellen on it. Now, I am in here after washing out my shorts and putting my compression hose back into the solution to soak because my darling daughter left them soaking wet on the sink....OK?
Anyway all this happened before eight thirty in the morning and that is insane.
I took a day off the hose because the top of my foot is too painful due to the wound i created in the night. Gonna take it easy today cause my PT therapist had me all over the place yesterday showing me how to use my new things for my shoulder which is making progress.
I need to write my landlord about this fucking ice patch parking lot and call my Doc to find out just whose screwing up my compression boots order because I'm getting the run a round.
Dig this, I get a letter from the government because the Social Security/Disability dept screwed up and put my social security number on a envelope they sent me and now are footing the bill for Afflack for a year so I'm covered if my identity is stolen for their screw up.
OK, I think I have nothing left to bitch about. I miss my Shrink.
Oh...one more thing.... On my MSN I have the number of our Soldiers who have died in Iraq as well as American Heroes after it and someone on my Msn list sent this...
"I don't support a war that's being prolonged as much as possible so the American banking associations can monopolize the countries oil supply and make a profit"I'm too pissed off at that comment to post a reply yet.

Shrink...less

AAAGH! I need my SHRINK! Not that bad but really...yeah I do. The net isn't working, the kid has skipped out on chores again leaving Chris with a messy kitchen to cook dinner in and the chick who won all that Christmas stuff on the Ellen show was on TV today. I mean really now, I am going to HAVE to write Ellen to tell her how I feel. This family had a huge house full with wonderful things and she got all those goodies to boot because she wrote a letter??? I mean really, the rules said enter on the site to win and i did, every day and nothing, I who needs the items they were giving away like the bed, vacuum, and so on. Most of the items I had given away to my loved ones in my head so it wasn't like I was being greedy. I was just hoping Karma would swing things my way finally. Nope. Not for me. I love Ellen, I really do and I'm not slighting her in any way. I'm just frustrated at circumstance and how it seems the good to do for keeps getting more for the pockets while the struggle along keep fighting the good fight for a fist full of dollars....and that barely covers the bills.
I guess I was just believing in the Christmas miracle...

Angel Bear Has returned.

Wow, it has been a while since I have had the time or the gumption to write here. The holidays are gone but another milestone in my life is right around the corner. My baby is turning 18. It's true, it's true, it's damn true!
My holidays season was a great one. It was full of goodies and I went out of the house! Went to Chris' parents for Christmas and went to see AVPR. Awesome flick! So much fun to leave the house and not have to go to the Doc! Lucky and I spent Christmas day at home with her boyfriend Ben in tow. She and I cooked not one but two home cooked meals that day! We hadn't been together in the kitchen cooking for years, even if all I could do was sit and mix or chop things. We didn't argue and had a wonderful time. I loved it.
For New Years Lucky went to Ben's Dad's house then to his Mother's. She was gone a few days leaving Chris and I here to chock full the rest of his Christmas break with anime, movies and our personal hobbies. He was into his new video game and I was on the comp or in my room doing whatever. We had a blast and on Dec 30th., he asked me back out. Whoohoo! Now I have something to tell my shrink...haha.
My legs are getting better with the support hose. The wounds are gone and that is a blessing. I do have to dry patches on the top of each foot that are driving me insane at night cause they itch. If I can refrain from scratching in my sleep they will heal over but it is such a long drawn out process. I am going to call my leg Doc soon and ask him when I can start my walking in the halls again. I have been on bed rest for so long. It will feel good to get out and stretch my legs.
I still have a head, chest and sinus cold. I was put on antibiotics but they didn't really kick it. I have a pt appointment for my shoulder today. It's my first one so I know I will be hella sore when I get home. Tomorrow I see my Shrink then Friday I recoup from the past two days. LOL!
Lucky might be turning 18 but she still needs her Momma! Today, upon babysitting her "cousins" she called me leaving a frantic message on the voicemail, then called Liz and asked Randy to im me because she needed emotional support. She couldn't get Anna to stop crying. Poor thing! All is well now but if I tell you guys Lucky is over at babysitting, please do not call me. Until I can get roadrunner phone service I need to leave my line open. Anyway it all turned out ok and she earned some cash that she tried to turn down. What a sweet kid.
Back from physical therapy. I have sprained ligaments. He gave me three exercises to do at home 2 or 3 times a day and I need to see him back in 2 weeks. I hope then all is well.
I'm back in my guild a little bit every day but no one is around when I am it seems. I'm happy to be back even if all I can do is say hi in the ooc room.
Life is back to the norm pretty much. My day is my Sister and Pierce, My nights Chris and Lucky then some more Pierce and Sis if I have the time to get on before she goes to bed. Still having trouble sleeping. Chris is taking me to all my Doc appointments now. It leaves me pretty tired having to do every thing at the end of the day instead at the beginning where I can come home and recuperate. What can you do right? Just trudge on.
I think I have said enough. What else I might have rumbling around I will save for the Shrink...lol.

Where in the world is Angel?

Rotator Cuff bad! Physical Therapy NEEDED!

Sinus and lung infections, currently on MORE meds....

Legs on road to RECOVERY! Yayyyyyyy!

Nothing further. Following directions of my shrink.

KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID.

Happy holidays!

Angel