| What Your Hands Say About You |
 Flexible and broad minded, you can fit in to any situation. There's no telling where your life will take you. Consistent and reliable, you like to count on structure and routine in your life. Your emotions tend to be well though out. You're willing to wait out a bad situation, and you're never too quick to act. |
Mistress Crow Darkstride
My Dark Queen
The Critter Crusader Strikes Agian
Friday, January 18, 2008
Handprints
Thursday, January 17, 2008
More Naughty...ish....jokes....
Chinese Proverbs
Virginity like bubble - one prick all goneMan who run in front of car get tiredMan who run behind car get exhaustedMan with hand in pocket feel cocky all dayFoolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organMan who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to BangkokMan with one chopstick go hungryMan who scratches ass should not bite fingernailsMan who eat many prunes get good run for moneyBaseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walkPanties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earthWar doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is leftWife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat houseMan who fight with wife all day get no piece at nightIt take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill itMan who drive like hell bound to get thereMan who stand on toilet is high on potMan who lives in glass house should change clothes in basementMan who fishes in other man's well often catches crabsMan who farts in church sits in own pewCrowded elevator smells different to midget
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?""Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole.
Think First
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I Turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts . As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. So, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, " Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have a change of clothes for him." Then I said, "Danny are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "NO," he replied. I just KNEW he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."The moral of this story is:""Always keep your condoms in your car."
Guy Things
"I'M GOING FISHING"Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""IT'S A GUY THING"Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical"."CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?""UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Means: "I have no idea how it works.""I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.""TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."Means: "Are you still talking?""YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits.""OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.""HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I CAN'T FIND IT."Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"Means: "What did you catch me at?""I HEARD YOU."Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.""YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.""YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.""I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."Means: "No one will ever see us alive again.""WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Virginity like bubble - one prick all goneMan who run in front of car get tiredMan who run behind car get exhaustedMan with hand in pocket feel cocky all dayFoolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organMan who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to BangkokMan with one chopstick go hungryMan who scratches ass should not bite fingernailsMan who eat many prunes get good run for moneyBaseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walkPanties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earthWar doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is leftWife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat houseMan who fight with wife all day get no piece at nightIt take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill itMan who drive like hell bound to get thereMan who stand on toilet is high on potMan who lives in glass house should change clothes in basementMan who fishes in other man's well often catches crabsMan who farts in church sits in own pewCrowded elevator smells different to midget
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?""Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole.
Think First
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I Turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts . As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. So, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, " Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have a change of clothes for him." Then I said, "Danny are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "NO," he replied. I just KNEW he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."The moral of this story is:""Always keep your condoms in your car."
Guy Things
"I'M GOING FISHING"Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.""IT'S A GUY THING"Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical"."CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?""UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Means: "I have no idea how it works.""I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.""TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."Means: "Are you still talking?""YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.""I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits.""OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.""HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I CAN'T FIND IT."Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"Means: "What did you catch me at?""I HEARD YOU."Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.""YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.""YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.""I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."Means: "No one will ever see us alive again.""WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Disclaimer...Randy Jokes!
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... Avibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a realone. She went completely ballistic. "You impotentbastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . You explain the3 kids."
3 men went to a night club looking to pick up chicks.One of the guys saw the hottest chick he'd ever seen. "I'm gonna talk to her", he said. "NO NO NO" said the other 2 guys. "She'll mess you up real bad!"The guy went over and talked to her anyway. They talked for awhile and then went back to her apartment and started to get down to business.2 minutes in he had to quit."I can't take it any more! It's too rough," he said."Alright," she said "I'll be back in a minute."A couple minutes later she returned and they started again, now it was really smooth and nice. "How did you fix that?" he asked. "I picked the scabs and let them puss." she replied!
Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to give an example his students could relate to.He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife."Hello," he starts, "I"m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product??"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex" she answers.The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?""Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."
A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this,but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!"His friend agrees and goes out to his car. They climb into the back seat and start going at it. A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?" The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."The cop says, "Oh, sorry,I didn't know." The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."
An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down."Yes officer?""I have to ask you, what are you doing?""Well sir, I am reading a magazine.""What about the young lady in the backseat?"The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater.""How old are you young man?" the officer asks."I am 25 Officer.""And the girl?"The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."The cat thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running..." "Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?"The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!!!"
3 men went to a night club looking to pick up chicks.One of the guys saw the hottest chick he'd ever seen. "I'm gonna talk to her", he said. "NO NO NO" said the other 2 guys. "She'll mess you up real bad!"The guy went over and talked to her anyway. They talked for awhile and then went back to her apartment and started to get down to business.2 minutes in he had to quit."I can't take it any more! It's too rough," he said."Alright," she said "I'll be back in a minute."A couple minutes later she returned and they started again, now it was really smooth and nice. "How did you fix that?" he asked. "I picked the scabs and let them puss." she replied!
Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to give an example his students could relate to.He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife."Hello," he starts, "I"m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product??"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex" she answers.The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?""Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."
A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this,but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!"His friend agrees and goes out to his car. They climb into the back seat and start going at it. A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?" The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."The cop says, "Oh, sorry,I didn't know." The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."
An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down."Yes officer?""I have to ask you, what are you doing?""Well sir, I am reading a magazine.""What about the young lady in the backseat?"The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater.""How old are you young man?" the officer asks."I am 25 Officer.""And the girl?"The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."The cat thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running..." "Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?"The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!!!"
IN THE NAME OF CHOCOLATE!
SAY GOODBYE HERSHEY A sad story for those of us who remember growing up with Hershey bars, and just as sad for the generations of today. What will be outsourced next?
Pennsylvania is a big state, but it amazes me in this day, how some news doesn't make it over the mountain to the front page of our papers or the top of our news hours in Western Pennsylvania. Milton Hershey, this year, will be joining H. J Heinz in rolling over in his grave. Hershey Chocolate is moving to MEXICO...whoopee! They're even closing down Hershey Canada. Don't buy any more Hershey Bars. Rees e's Peanut Butter Cups are my favorite and they are made by Hershey. But, I will not purchase another one! M.S. Hershey had a dream... I will buy my OWN Sugar, Milk, Cocoa beans, (all natural mind you!) and make candy...(no tariffs etc..) EVEN during the depression...HE and the Company made money...NOW some Corporate big wigs are ruining the name... AND the product M.S. created... Please pass it on...What a bunch of college educated "idiots". Thank you M.S. Hershey for all the things I have and all you have done for me and my family..."I" do appreciate it... as for "Dick" Lenny and Company, good luck you greedy, money loving JERKS ... you are ruining the name, the company, and MANY lives in central Pennsylvania.... read on...Enough is Enough! So Hershey executives are closing plants in the US, laying off over a thousand people, and destroying Mr. Hershey's dream, all to cut labor, material costs and AVOID PAYING ANY US TAXES! The company will save about $170 million a year, all on the backs of the American people. The top executives will still make their mega bucks and the laid off workers will have to find other jobs, some probably at minimum wage due to their age. All this to take their jobs to India, China a nd Mexico, so WHAT part of the "GREAT" American Chocolate Bar is left?... NOTHING! These countries are no doubt laughing at the Americans, who they don't like anyway. How long are the American people going to sit around and let big corporations do this to us? We must all band together and let our Politicians in Washington know we have had it with NAFTA, CAFTA and "SHAFTA" and we won't take it any longer! Please, do not buy any Hershey product! If the company wants to take the work to these countries, then let those countries buy the product. We don't need it! Please pass this to everyone on your email list so it gets all across the United States.
Pennsylvania is a big state, but it amazes me in this day, how some news doesn't make it over the mountain to the front page of our papers or the top of our news hours in Western Pennsylvania. Milton Hershey, this year, will be joining H. J Heinz in rolling over in his grave. Hershey Chocolate is moving to MEXICO...whoopee! They're even closing down Hershey Canada. Don't buy any more Hershey Bars. Rees e's Peanut Butter Cups are my favorite and they are made by Hershey. But, I will not purchase another one! M.S. Hershey had a dream... I will buy my OWN Sugar, Milk, Cocoa beans, (all natural mind you!) and make candy...(no tariffs etc..) EVEN during the depression...HE and the Company made money...NOW some Corporate big wigs are ruining the name... AND the product M.S. created... Please pass it on...What a bunch of college educated "idiots". Thank you M.S. Hershey for all the things I have and all you have done for me and my family..."I" do appreciate it... as for "Dick" Lenny and Company, good luck you greedy, money loving JERKS ... you are ruining the name, the company, and MANY lives in central Pennsylvania.... read on...Enough is Enough! So Hershey executives are closing plants in the US, laying off over a thousand people, and destroying Mr. Hershey's dream, all to cut labor, material costs and AVOID PAYING ANY US TAXES! The company will save about $170 million a year, all on the backs of the American people. The top executives will still make their mega bucks and the laid off workers will have to find other jobs, some probably at minimum wage due to their age. All this to take their jobs to India, China a nd Mexico, so WHAT part of the "GREAT" American Chocolate Bar is left?... NOTHING! These countries are no doubt laughing at the Americans, who they don't like anyway. How long are the American people going to sit around and let big corporations do this to us? We must all band together and let our Politicians in Washington know we have had it with NAFTA, CAFTA and "SHAFTA" and we won't take it any longer! Please, do not buy any Hershey product! If the company wants to take the work to these countries, then let those countries buy the product. We don't need it! Please pass this to everyone on your email list so it gets all across the United States.
Angelz Got Jokez
The Story of Adam & Eve's PetsAdam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden,you walked with us every day. Now we do not see youany more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficultfor us to remember how much you love us.' And God said, I will create a companion for you thatwill be with you and who will be a reflection of mylove for you, so that you will love me even when youcannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childishor unlovable you may be, this new companion willaccept you as you are and will love you as I do, inspite of yourselves. And God created a new animal to be a companion forAdam and Eve. And it was a good animal And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eveand he wagged his tail . And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all theanimals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a namefor this new animal.' And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be areflection of my love for you, his name will be areflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion tothem and loved them. And they were comforted And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came tothe Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have becomefilled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocksand they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog hasindeed taught them that they are loved, but perhapstoo well.' And God said, 'I will create for them a companion whowill be with them and who will see them as they are.The companion will remind them of their limitations,so they will know that they are not always worthy ofadoration.' And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Evegazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that theywere not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased . . . . . . And Dog was happy. . . . . And Cat didn't give a shit one way or other....
WARNING...This is a RANT!
Damn it. I tipped a whole Diet Dew over onto my favorite comfy blanky this morn. That sucks most vigorously. I finally got some sleep until I awoke cause it was too damn hot in the house. A certain 18 year old I won't mention names....turned the thermostat up AGAIN even though she was asked several times over and over to leave it the hell alone. It was on 75 and my bed is right next to the heater and it dries out my skin and my sinuses but all i can hear her say it is cold....well we have TONS of blankets and you can put on more clothes, I can only take so much off. When i can't even sleep naked cause it is too hot with a fan something has to give. I run a fever naturally. I am going to start opening the damn door in the living room like I used to. Geez, I have made a lot of changes to be more thoughtful of my family and still she does as she pleases. It takes forever to cool this place down. I mean geez. i was actually SLEEPING for once.
Bah! I also found my foot in pain and bloody this morning. Why? No, not itching with my nails but at some point in the night I rubbed it against the connector to my oxygen hose. So ow.
Back to griping about the heat...another thing that doesn't help is my oxygen concentrator puts out a lot of hot air as well.
Let's jump back to the soda soaked blanky. My Idea was to watch as many of my DVR shows then come in my room and find my flashlight I lost last night...yes, I have a flashlight by my bed so i can find my lotions and so on and not wake Chris with the big light, but I digress, I was only able to watch One Piece, Blood Plus, Transformers and Deal or No Deal with Ellen on it. Now, I am in here after washing out my shorts and putting my compression hose back into the solution to soak because my darling daughter left them soaking wet on the sink....OK?
Anyway all this happened before eight thirty in the morning and that is insane.
I took a day off the hose because the top of my foot is too painful due to the wound i created in the night. Gonna take it easy today cause my PT therapist had me all over the place yesterday showing me how to use my new things for my shoulder which is making progress.
I need to write my landlord about this fucking ice patch parking lot and call my Doc to find out just whose screwing up my compression boots order because I'm getting the run a round.
Dig this, I get a letter from the government because the Social Security/Disability dept screwed up and put my social security number on a envelope they sent me and now are footing the bill for Afflack for a year so I'm covered if my identity is stolen for their screw up.
OK, I think I have nothing left to bitch about. I miss my Shrink.
Oh...one more thing.... On my MSN I have the number of our Soldiers who have died in Iraq as well as American Heroes after it and someone on my Msn list sent this...
"I don't support a war that's being prolonged as much as possible so the American banking associations can monopolize the countries oil supply and make a profit"I'm too pissed off at that comment to post a reply yet.
Bah! I also found my foot in pain and bloody this morning. Why? No, not itching with my nails but at some point in the night I rubbed it against the connector to my oxygen hose. So ow.
Back to griping about the heat...another thing that doesn't help is my oxygen concentrator puts out a lot of hot air as well.
Let's jump back to the soda soaked blanky. My Idea was to watch as many of my DVR shows then come in my room and find my flashlight I lost last night...yes, I have a flashlight by my bed so i can find my lotions and so on and not wake Chris with the big light, but I digress, I was only able to watch One Piece, Blood Plus, Transformers and Deal or No Deal with Ellen on it. Now, I am in here after washing out my shorts and putting my compression hose back into the solution to soak because my darling daughter left them soaking wet on the sink....OK?
Anyway all this happened before eight thirty in the morning and that is insane.
I took a day off the hose because the top of my foot is too painful due to the wound i created in the night. Gonna take it easy today cause my PT therapist had me all over the place yesterday showing me how to use my new things for my shoulder which is making progress.
I need to write my landlord about this fucking ice patch parking lot and call my Doc to find out just whose screwing up my compression boots order because I'm getting the run a round.
Dig this, I get a letter from the government because the Social Security/Disability dept screwed up and put my social security number on a envelope they sent me and now are footing the bill for Afflack for a year so I'm covered if my identity is stolen for their screw up.
OK, I think I have nothing left to bitch about. I miss my Shrink.
Oh...one more thing.... On my MSN I have the number of our Soldiers who have died in Iraq as well as American Heroes after it and someone on my Msn list sent this...
"I don't support a war that's being prolonged as much as possible so the American banking associations can monopolize the countries oil supply and make a profit"I'm too pissed off at that comment to post a reply yet.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Shrink...less
AAAGH! I need my SHRINK! Not that bad but really...yeah I do. The net isn't working, the kid has skipped out on chores again leaving Chris with a messy kitchen to cook dinner in and the chick who won all that Christmas stuff on the Ellen show was on TV today. I mean really now, I am going to HAVE to write Ellen to tell her how I feel. This family had a huge house full with wonderful things and she got all those goodies to boot because she wrote a letter??? I mean really, the rules said enter on the site to win and i did, every day and nothing, I who needs the items they were giving away like the bed, vacuum, and so on. Most of the items I had given away to my loved ones in my head so it wasn't like I was being greedy. I was just hoping Karma would swing things my way finally. Nope. Not for me. I love Ellen, I really do and I'm not slighting her in any way. I'm just frustrated at circumstance and how it seems the good to do for keeps getting more for the pockets while the struggle along keep fighting the good fight for a fist full of dollars....and that barely covers the bills.
I guess I was just believing in the Christmas miracle...
I guess I was just believing in the Christmas miracle...
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