Angel Bear's Sanctuary: June 2007

So I sit here playing tetris world on my Xbox at 3 twelve in the morning. I hear the tv in the living room and the humming of my oxygen machine who ever so often makes me think of Darth Vader. I really like him...perhaps he is where i first got my fetish for capes? Anyway. I've had so much running through my head disrupted only by the need to pee and Chris coughing. He's sick and there is nothing I can do except check to make sure he is tucked in and if he needs anything. What started the depressive stature I feel is my rat Dorry died. She was old, blind in one eye, had tumors and had a long happy life so i knew it was going to happen but I miss her as does her Sis Alley whose been looking or her all day. An occasional squeak from my Russian dwarf hamsters jolt my attention from my keyboard and back into my world here. I crack my knuckles, yawn, sigh then look at the computer screen. No one there that really knows me well enough to bring comfort and the ones I thought did just put me off.
More tetris playing now. My asthma is kicking up and it calms me.Beat another level. Joy. I'm not doing it story mode til I can have Chris look and see if i just lost the file cause I am pretty messed up on pain meds. I could be over looking it.
I go back to the dentist next week for the first and what I had hoped last procedure in extractions/ My family Doc released me for the surgery to be done all at once but the tech at the Dentist said he most likely won't do it cause my whole bottom jaw would be numb then. I am like....SO? Like I will be able to do anything but look messed up for days beyond anyway. I mean really. Since the abscess popped, i have a hole that goes clean through the tooth to the gum, if you push on it you see bubbles from the air that passes through. This I found out while massaging the puss out to relieve pressure. I left pics here ....anyway.
I am thinking of just blogging in a few places. I dunno, I have so many cause I try to keep up with everyone but why? I do this for myself now more then anyone cause I have to empty my brain and i sure as hell don't have anyone i can call at this time of morning...or any other times of day anymore.
Not counting Lucky, Chris, Sis and Pierce, Liz is the only one who calls to check on me. There used to be other's but they have become undependable.It's hard enough for me to reach out but when I do and I am put off or I get a list of excuses why this was this or that was that I just started setting bricks back up around myself. I have warned them time and time again and things are better for a few days then nothing. What more can I do?
I sit here in my bed healing my legs and feet, playing my tetris and trying to chat in my guild OCC section when my pain meds don't have me woozy.
Did a 4 a.m. mail run because no one checked the mail today. Had a invite to our Cuz Mark's graduation...somehow my name is now Angela...wish I was informed of this matter...lol.
I have two graduations here in town to attend. Ben, Lucky's fella and Deebles, Liz's lil bro are both graduating. I hope the weather permits me to go.
I've been making milestones as of late. Been going out more and I even take and send pics of me to friends now. That alone was a big issue and I still feel queasy with it.
I have allot of memories rushing in on me at once. Both bad and good but for once it has nothing to do with what Ernie did except the fact that my youngest brother resembles my attacker enough that i can't bare to look at his photo.
Been thinking back on Cathy, the kids and that part of my life alot. How things were done and how Cathy manipulated everyone and every thing around her. Sis will be living in the house that I used to be pretty much held hostage in for weeks on end. If I hadn't liked the house and standing on the back porch looking at the trees and so on I think it would have made me alot worse then I am about it all. The smells in the morning and the cold air was all comforting to me because I'm a country girl and always have been.
I loved it there when Cathy wasn't there. It was the first place I ever played DOOM because it was on her PC. I have no idea how it got there because I doubt she'd have let the boys play it. We had fun when she was gone playing ball in the back yard or just laying around talking. Even doing homework with the boys was fun as well as cooking with Sis. Lucky was a lil one then and always making us lagh. What was nerve wracking was when Cathy offered to take me to the store or something and we ended up in Charlestown and my groceries went in her kitchen and my kid ran around in Sis's tshirts cause we never knew when we would be taken home. I was never thanked nor did I receive any pay but I was expected to keep house and keep the kids in order. This was while she laid downstairs on the couch eating tins of brownies and screaming for us if she required something. Or she would pick me up for a few hours so she could go into work instead it was so she could go home and sleep and i was expected to keep three growing hyper boys as well as Sis and my lil one all silent. Not easy.
All she ever did was criticize me, my Sis and talk about how terrible the rest of the family was. She was forever putting herself above everyone and I wa sick of being picked apart. One time we went camping and She forbid me to call my own father to come get my daughter and I because she was being a tyrant.
All this pain and anger is coming out now because I think it's been so bottled up. She stripped everything from me with my siblings when she took them, then adopted them forcing them to call her Mom and to hear my own Sis submit to it now just makes me sick.
She came swooping in when all was easy and took them away after I had to hunt them down and go into the pits of hell to get them away from my step dad and his family. I went without alot for those children and to save face with my grandmother she offered help then stabbed me in the back and took them because she had a bigger house, more money...but I had what they needed most...love.
For the longest time my Uncle and friend would have to sneak me around to even visit the kids because when they retaliated against her for taking them away from her she blamed me for it. Even my Gran was in on the whole top secret visits. After that she began dropping them by when she couldn't find a sitter. These times would be on the spur of the moment and with no food to cover them all if she brought any at all. But I made do and we had fun. When they went back to her they were resentful which always came back on me because at my house they were free to act as children and not made to slave in the house as she had them do.
I recall one summer she had beat my Sister with a bath back scrubber and Sis took off on her bike from Charlestown to my house in Jeffersonville and some how a police got involved and he brought my Sis to my door and told Cathy she had to leave my Sis at my house for the summer. I told Cathy if she ever laid a hand on my Sis again I'd make her regret it and as far as I know she never had again.
There is no end to the stunts she pulled. My brother Dustin, she put in a mental hospital on his birthday. Said she couldn't handle his outburst. Of course not. She'd beat him and wrestle him down, shake him, lock him up....I held, rocked and sang to him.
It again got to the point she never let me see them so I did what i needed to do for my own daughter and that is another story.
Right now I think I'm all written out.
I do have to say Sis has called all day to check up on me, Pierce as well, Liz came over to be with me and play Tetris, Mickey was here to love up on me and Chris and Lucky joined in when they got home from work and school.
I finally got to laughing....
Still feel weird inside but I guess it will take time....
Chris is feeling better...I think I am coming down with it,
Deebles is home from the hoospital! Keep your fingers crossed something can be worked out for his finals.
Oh....and I never did receive the call Beth....thanks allot. Way to be there.