A long time coming

I've really been having a tough time these last few weeks with being ill. These last few days have been harder on me still...mentally.

Those who know me know the things I've gone through. The darkness in my past is there and I do my best to leave it there. I've done pretty well.

Well, my step mom called me the other day and gave me some news that messed me up pretty bad. Something that happened in my past that I'm still in a semi state of shock over. I don't know what to say and I don't feel the need to write it here.

I've been trying to put words to my thoughts and write this for days. I just feel like no matter what I do it isn't good enough.

Someone is always going to feel used, left out, pissed off, unsatisfied, scorned and so on. There will never be enough of me to go around and I just have to accept...I can't please everyone.

I have my own battles with my health. It takes so much to do everything I'm supposed to when I feel so drained. When one thing is fixed another thing breaks and the meds I have to take make me sick and stoned or both. I decided this time to do everything just the way the Doc says and not push myself, and let myself heal and I feel things falling apart.

I feel guilty for depending on people.
I feel bad for being a burden.
I wish I could do something to show how much the following people mean to me.But nothing would be worthy enough.

I've pretty much left my guild in my Sister's hands and she's done the best she can. She has never done anything like that before, never role played and she's being a real trooper. And it can be stressful. Chris has helped her when needed and she has been able to call me at any time. It's just the guild is so important to me, and I miss it but I have to do what I gotta do...right?

Liz takes me to all my appointments and helps out with my wounds. She's there to listen when I need an ear and she comes over three times a week to hang out. In that time we usually watch movies or talk and so on. She helps allot cause she knows a great deal about medical stuff and I usually have allot of questions about new meds or treatments and so on. I always have a blast when we are together but by the end of the afternoon I am wore out. She also brings Mickey over and I can't begin to tell you how much he helps me out.

Chris, wow...where can I start? He has gone above and beyond in several ways. He works, runs errands, helps be, father's Lucky, buries my pets when they pass on, makes sure I have lil ratties to love, walks Mickey when he is here, and he cooks for the two of us.There is nothing he won't do to make me smile. He also has the errands he runs for his parents, his friends and the time he spends with his brother. I love him so much and I know I can never repay him for all he's done for me physically and mentally. Even the hard times we go through are dim compared to the love I feel with him. I will be forever grateful for him.

Lucky is a force of her own. When it boils down to it, she is there. She's going through the whole teenager pulling away from Mom thing. She's working, going to school and has a steady boyfriend. She does chores around the house and worries about me too much. She helps with Mickey and the ratties and tries to understand what is going on in the minds of her friends.We get in stupid spats and I feel they are stress related. I feel when I am feeling better things will even out. I

Then there is Pierce who's been a rock for me. As fate would have it, we hardly get to talk or rp like we used to but he's made every effort to call me or drop me an email to see how I am. He's doing his best to get through school, play football, get his lisence and get ready for collage. He's even dropped me snail mail to make me happy.

I know all of you have been at the wrong end of my temper from time to time and I'm sorry. Using my pain as a reason, or my depression isn't an excuse. I know you don't deserve it and I know how fortunate I am to have you in my life. I know I can be hard to deal with as well and I love you for not walking out on me. Each one of you are unique and I've never met anyone remotely like you (Besides Lucky who reminds me of me...) and I am thankful for you...even when I'm moody...or if I'm quiet....or if I don't show it.

When I started this days ago, I was in a different place mentally then I am right now. I thought I was going to write about why life felt the need to pile more shit on my plate, but through taking a personal inventory of the people closest to me, I felt a different by the nights end.

Take Care Readers...