Lost

I feel lonely...not cuddled enough. Not that I am alone, I have Chris and Lucky around. Chris more then Lucky these days, but no Mickey. I was really looking forward to him but whatever.

I know Lucky is doing her thing and we haven't been as close as we were....I guess I am starting the whole empty nest thing.

Days have passed and I got another call from my Mother....wow.....that is all I can say at this point.

I am really past the point of knowing who I am anymore or what my purpose here is anymore.

One thing I know...the only thing I know is that I am Lucky's Mother.

That alone is set in stone.

Key elements in my life have been changed by a voice on the phone...in less then a month...

As if my health isn't enough to worry over...

My Step Mother tells me I was molested before I remember. I thought my step father was the first at age six. She told me it was age 2 to 4. So who was my first attacker?

I've had nightmares since she told me. I cry out in my sleep again...lash out in my sleep...again....I was past all that...once.

Now, I feel myself slipping down farther into a abyss. I'm not sure how to climb out .

Upon speaking to my Step Mother yesterday about a condition I was experiencing and how I believe I had seen it in my Father and inquired if it could be passed through genetics she blurts out my Father is not my real father.

...

I can't express what those words did to me.

I poured through my medical records. No where is my blood type written down. I am so sure I'm an O and she said I was a A and Daddy was a B and then she gives me this story about how I was born three months early and my Mom told my Dad I was a premie but the Doctor told my Dad I was full term. The math didn't add up because when I was supposed to be conceived my Father who was a military man was out in the field.

My step-mom says I am still his daughter and he still loves me like I was really his. Like that is supposed to make me feel better???

I demanded a DNA test. It is all I could think of. My only defense. I look like him...I have the chin...his smile....what? I was his brother's kid?

I never fit in...I knew that...because I was the child who was torn and living between two families. A really good one and a really fucked up family. One where everything was done just right, and another where I was abused sexually, physically and mentally.

And now, she was telling me the ONLY adult who I had any faith in wasn't my father.

I called my Doctor and he said I had to go through the county health department to get a Paternity test. So I have no way of figuring this mess out until my Father gets the ball rolling because I will be damned if I am paying for it.

I have the right to know...plain and simple.

I can't take this not knowing....

I want to eat all the brownies in the house. I want to fill this growing hole inside me. Kill this pain. Stop my thoughts.

Nothing helps when I can't feel Chris's arms around me...and that helps because when i start obsessing he changes the subject knowing me well and knowing he can lead me away from this gloom that has covered my heart.

But when I'm alone I can't stay busy enough and now I have no power to get a quick answer, I have to wait on them to call tonight if my step-mom even does. She forgets...and then I will have to wait for the tests that will be done at their leisure I am sure.

It matters to me...

I know the love won't change...but so many questions can be answered...things that were in the past and things that creep in my head every time I try to close my eyes and sleep won't come.


I feel I cling to unhappiness as if it is my lifes calling because if I'm happy, I feel I am just on the road back to misery.